A Letter to Those Who Ask a Black Woman, 'Why Are You Making a Big Deal About Microaggressions?'
Here’s why.
“Why are you making a fuss about this? It’s just a teeny-tiny comment.”
That teeny-tiny comment was him telling me he doesn’t even see me as black, that I speak fluent English, that he didn’t expect he would enjoy working with a black woman from Ethiopia, that he wonders why my long name – Banchiwosen – doesn’t sound like a white woman’s name.
A Canadian I worked closely with for over a year said those comments. After commenting, he went back to doing his job immediately. Or to whatever he was doing.
How his seemingly tiny comments are hurting me and black people is lost to him.
Unlike this guy and those who think microaggressions are teeny-tiny comments, we do not go back to doing our job immediately. Or to whatever we’re doing. By we, I mean those who are at the receiving end of those teeny-tiny comments. We hurt all over again. We wonder why someone we’re close to makes such a derogatory comment. We wonder why someone strips away our racial identity (as saying you don’t see a black person as black is stripping away that person’s racial identity). We wonder why someone comments on our hair or dark features. Again.
To those who ask a black woman, ‘why are you making a big deal about microaggressions?’, here’s why:
Microaggressions create psychological damage.
I can’t tell you the number of times a microaggression made me cringe. How it made my head go down. My spirits go down.
One minute you’re talking animatedly with a white person, and the next minute, a seemingly innocent comment about your body or the color of your skin dims the light in the room you’re in.
Studies show that repeated microaggressions create mental and physical symptoms of depression.
Microaggressions happen a lot more than you think.
Ijeoma Olou in her book, So You Want To Talk About Race, has an insightful analogy to describe microaggressions.
Imagine you’re in an abusive relationship. Your partner hurls a poison cocktail of words at you. Not just once. But again and again. Maybe for 2 or 3 days, he takes a break from abusing you. But he goes back to abusing you after a few days. His mouth continues unleashing venom. You hurt to the bone. One evening when he starts shouting like he always does, you strengthen your spine. You can’t take the abuse anymore. You fight back. You demand, “Stop shouting at me!”
Wonder of wonders…
He looks at you with confusion, “What’re you talking about? Why are you making a big deal about this?”
He doesn’t understand why you’re so hurt this evening. He can’t understand. He has never been in your shoes, taking his abuse for days, for weeks, and even for years.
To your abuser, it is just about this evening, this incident, this particular shouting.
To you, it’s about all those times he abused you. It’s about this evening’s shout and that shout he hurled at you a few days ago and those shouts from a few weeks back. And the ones before that. And the ones before that.
Microaggressions are like the continuous slingshots your abuser unleashes, except they’re not coming from just one person. They’re coming from the world.
My favorite sentence from Olou about microaggressions:
“Often, being a black woman in white-dominated spaces is like being in an abusive relationship with the world.”
This is the best analogy I’ve read to describe microaggressions.
A microaggression is not just one teeny-tiny comment. It’s not just one incident. It’s not just about this moment when a white person comments on a black woman’s hair or appearance. It’s also about that moment that happened a few weeks ago. And the one before that. And the one before that.
Here’s another analogy to describe microaggressions.
Watch this video:
The video shows how microaggressions are like mosquito bites. If you’ve never been bitten by a mosquito bite in your life, then it won’t be a big deal if a mosquito bites you just once. But those who ask a black woman, “Why are you making a big deal about microaggressions?” don’t get that not all of us are lucky. Some of us are not bitten just once. Or once in a while. We get bitten a lot more.
Microaggressions bit you when your white peers tell you, “You got the promotion because of preferential treatment.” When a white friend comments, “You don’t look like a black woman.” When that same friend tells you, “I thought Ethiopians do not have food.” When a white client comments, “You’re a smart and talented teacher… for a black woman.” When a stranger comments on your unruly hair when you’re walking down the street.
Black women hear these kinds of comments from white folks not just once in a blue moon.
We hear them a lot. A lot more than you think.
So think about that the next time you’re wondering why we’re making a fuss about microaggressions. How annoying and heartbreaking it is for black women to be riddled with microaggressions in team meetings, on the plane, on the train, and while we’re socializing with our white friends. How it is so frustrating and humiliating that we’re expected to take this abuse with a smile on our faces.
How it could be for the thousandth time that we’re hearing this same comment about our hair or that same comment about how ‘exotic’ we are.
Further reading…
Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Race, Gender, and Sexual Orientation by Derald Wing Sue
A few articles I’ve read this week worth mentioning…
On April 7, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson made history as the first black woman to be confirmed to the Supreme Court. This article tells Jackson’s life history.
Making HER story: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson's Journey To The Supreme Court
For a few weeks, I’ve read posts from Black to School newsletter. I’m in awe of the research that goes into their posts. Their posts resonate with me. As an Ethiopian, I love exploring the history and contributions of Africans and the African diaspora to global society.
Here’s this week’s post:
I found this article by Allison Gaines thought-provoking. It’s about how America’s legacy of misogynoir deprives black women of agency, of owning their identity and selves.
“No Exceptions” Bill is One of the Most Disrespectful Blows to Black Women