13 Embarrassing and Demeaning Statements Not To Say to Black Women
And why you shouldn’t say them.
1. “Are you sure you’re black?”
My friend was working with a white colleague on a project. She had just come up with a brilliant idea for a problem they have been trying to solve for weeks. Even though this guy could see that my friend is a black woman, he couldn’t believe a black woman had solved a problem he, a white man, couldn’t. Hence, his question, “Are you sure you’re black?”
What he didn’t say was he could not imagine a smart and talented black woman.
Why you shouldn’t say ask this question:
This question is demeaning.
It contains a hidden insult about black people. It doesn’t only strip away our racial identity. It also sends a sinister message. That black people cannot possibly be smart. That we cannot possibly have brilliant minds.
2. “I don’t see color. I don’t see you as a black woman.”
I have lost count of the number of times a smart, thoughtful, and well-meaning white friend or colleague, or client told me, “I don’t see color. I don’t see you as a black woman.” When I tell them what they said is not a compliment, a giant frown appears on their forehead. They look at me puzzled wondering why I’m offended.
When a white person tells me he doesn’t see color or he doesn’t see me as a black woman, he’s saying color-blind racism doesn’t exist.
Unfortunately, it does.
Read up on Color-Blind Racism and the Persistence of Racial Inequality in Contemporary America by Eduardo Bonilla-Silva and Color Matters: Skin Tone Bias and the Myth of a Postracial America by Kimberly Norwood.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
Telling a black person, “You don’t see color,” is never a compliment.
First, everybody sees color. Research shows when you meet someone for the first time, the color of their skin is the first thing your brain notices about that person, followed by gender.
Second, telling a black person, “I don’t see you as black,” is stripping away a big part of who we are. You’re watering down our ethnicity. Worse, you’re denying the truth. That our dark skin is not a costume we can take off at our front door. You’re denying every struggle, every hardship, and every racial discrimination that barges in through our door because of the color of our skin.
3. “You’re so exotic.”
I got called “exotic” on zoom the other day. Then this guy got so mad that I didn’t say thank you.
I have never liked someone calling me “exotic” and I don’t know any black woman who likes being called “exotic”.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
At its core, telling a black woman, “you’re so exotic” is a microaggression.
It’s like you’re breathing down our neck asking, “How is it that you have such dark skin? How is it that your skin is so different from mine?” Like a mysterious exotic bird you want to study, you are trying to understand this mystery, this dark skin, and this Afro-textured hair.
But black women are not exotic birds. We’re not here to appease a white person’s curiosity.
4. “You would be more beautiful if you lighten your skin.”
This one pisses me off the most.
My dark skin is nobody’s business.
But.
There’s always someone who comments on the color of my skin. Someone who judges me for wearing no makeup. For not using skin-lightening products on my dark face. There’s always someone who pressures me to lighten my dark skin. So I would become more beautiful. So I would become acceptable. Acceptable, according to the ideal white beauty standards.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
Deciding who and what is beautiful is demeaning.
You’re affirming a white woman is the ideal beauty standard. You’re telling black women to kneel at the altar of white beauty standards.
5. “Is that your real hair? Can I touch it?”
I’m so tired of hearing this question. And I know other black women are too.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
Hair growing on our heads is part of our body. It’s never okay to touch someone else’s body without permission.
But there’s also a more troubling, more disturbing, and more demeaning reason behind every white person who touches a black woman’s hair without her permission.
On every unwanted touch on our hair, disrespect reeks.
Every unwanted touch on our hair tells us we still live in a world where we are constantly reminded of how little control over our lives, our bodies, and the hairs we have. It tells us how the centuries-year-old belief that black women are objects to be inspected still prevails.
6. “Spending hundreds of dollars a month on your hair. You got bills to pay! It’s ridiculous!”
In a recent feminist seminar, a white man said that to my black friend, oblivious to her great discomfort. She couldn’t say anything. She felt like if she were to open her mouth, she might wail.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
A black woman’s personal beauty choices, how much she spends on her hair or doesn’t spend is nobody’s business but hers.
7. “You’re so articulate.”
Ask a black person you know what they hear when a white person tells them, “you’re so articulate”. They will tell you what they hear.
This statement sounds like a compliment.
It is not.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
We hear, “people of your kind are not usually intelligent or educated.”
8. “You’re really smart and talented… for a black woman.”
Sometimes blatant racism makes your white colleagues watch you with suspicion. Because of the color of your skin, you feel like all your actions are exhaustively scrutinized.
And sometimes racism changes its form.
It becomes subtle.
Like a white person clapping his hands and telling a black woman, “You’re really smart and talented… for a black woman,” As a teacher and public speaker, I’ve heard this statement from my students and clients more times than I care to admit.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
When someone says something, what IS NOT being said matters. What that statement implies matters. How that statement is received by the person hearing that statement matters.
“You’re really smart and talented… for a black woman,” implies black women are not known for being smart or talented.
9. “You’re loud for a black woman.”
Am I supposed to zip my mouth shut? Am I supposed to make myself as small as possible in white spaces? Am I supposed to cower in the corner? Am I supposed to sit in the back row and remain sitting there, for years, without raising my hand while my white peers are progressing ahead?
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
You’re assigning some specific behaviors that carry the bias that a white person (mostly a white man) can be loud but not a black woman. That black women have no voices. That we’re supposed to let others decide our fate.
10. “Are you black first, or woman first?”
What a ridiculous question.
As if I could take off my racial identity at my front door and walk outside as a woman only. As if I could take off my gender at my front door and walk outside as a black person only.
Impossible.
I’m both a woman and a black person at the same time. All the time. With no exceptions.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
We can’t choose for the world to treat us just as a woman on a particular day. Or just as a black person on another day. We can’t choose. We’re both, a black person and a female all the time.
11. “Why are you making a big deal about microaggressions?”
Last month, I’ve written an article on why we are making a big deal about microaggressions:
Why you shouldn’t ask this question:
Microaggressions are not teeny-tiny comments. At the very least, they’re embarrassing. They make us cringe.
Worse, they’re demeaning. They’re derogatory. They create psychological damage. They’re annoying. They’re heartbreaking. They’re frustrating. They’re humiliating, especially when we’re expected to take microaggressions with a smile on our faces.
12. “I share your experience”
In my experience, mostly white women say this statement.
When a black woman shares her experience, and a white woman says, “I share your experience,” it doesn’t help.
It hurts.
When we share our experiences, we’re hoping a white woman would allow us to share our unique experience which is both black and female. We’re hoping a white woman wouldn’t equate our experiences with her experience.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
This statement forces us to shut down. It assumes you can walk in our shoes. It strips our unique experiences.
13. “Shed insight about the ‘black experience’.”
As if my voice could explain all thoughts and feelings on what an entire race of individuals want or need.
Why you shouldn’t say this statement:
You’re assuming a black person is your personal Google. You’re assuming it’s a black person’s job to teach you about race.
And now to my weekly round-up…
Black TV moms who remind us of our own mamas.
A must-read essay from the Feminist Giant newsletter.
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Oprah opens up to The Times about her own experiences with healthcare and how a doctor told her to ‘embrace hunger’ and how that experience changed her view of medicine forever.
A piece from the New York Times, A Black Man Ran to Gay Enclaves to Feel Safe. But Was He Welcome?
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This paragraph from lyz of Men Yell at Me newsletter stuck in my mind for days:
“When feminists and activists warned against appointing Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, Sen. Lisa Murkowski and writers on the New York Times op-ed page assured us that a Justice Barrett wouldn’t vote to overturn Roe. While these reassurances were given, the right to an abortion was already being eroded in many American states. While people smiled and assured hysterical feminists that Roe was the law of the land, Roe was being kneecapped. And reproductive justice was already being denied to trans people, Black people, Native Americans, the incarcerated. Abortion clinics were being forced to close. Health care providers were threatened and pushed out of business.”
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